This is my goal. For my words and the meditations of my heart to be acceptable. Is that too difficult of a task? It's not even asking that they are the best but simply acceptable.

What does that look like?

How can I make that happen?

Is it really an attainable goal?

Lately I've been challenged through the Psalms and the unhindered worship. Why does what I say to Jesus go through so many filters? It's Jesus! He knows and he is not surprised. As I walk on this journey to unhindered worship, I'm writing my own psalms. I'm taking on the challenge set before me. I will not worry that my words are politically correct. I will not wonder if what I said was "okay."

My psalms will be pure. They will be raw. They will be all about me praising Jesus.

2AM + ME = confusion

Why am I still awake? I need to be sleeping. A busy day awaits me with children to love on, organizing to do, and homework to finish. However, I realize that if I was not awake I could not be texting two amazing people whom I love dearly.

So I shall blog...

Lately I have been thinking about what it would be like to have conversations that cut straight to the heart of things. It's one thing to have these conversations with those that you are close to but I'm talking about having no more surface conversations. I long to tell others what Jesus is doing in my life yet something stops me. Something brings me back to the how are you's and the what do you have planned for the weekends. I can't bring myself to get past it.

I love having conversation with a purpose. Yet I find myself closing down. Maybe it's not even that I close down but rather that I become the one asking all of the questions. I don't like talking about myself. (which is why blogging is difficult for me) I enjoy learning about others. I can get beyond the surface when talking about them but when it comes to me FORGET IT! I let no one in. How can this change? I want to be better but I find myself shutting down. I am in a new living environment with people that I have yet to let totally in.

This is my goal: To allow questions to be asked of me. To be transparent. (at least translucent) To not let fear of being hurt take over. To ask questions. (not too many) To love them. To allow them to love me. To live life with them.

The song that got me thinking about this...

Honestly can I tell you where I'm at
Honestly can I pull the curtain back
Will you run if you see how weak I am

If you don't see the real me you won't see what mercy's done
If you don't see my weakness you won't see what love has won
If you don't wee the distance from the darkness to the sun
You won't see
Honestly

Honestly I'm growing sick and tired
Honestly it hurts too much to hide
Brokeness that's killing us inside

Let the light escape
From these holes inside my soul
When I start to break
THen grace begins to flow
Let the light escape
From this wounded place inside my soul
Honestly

If you don't see the real me
You won't see what grace has done
If you don't see my weakness
You won't see what love has won
If you don't see the distance from the darkness to the sun
You won't see

Honestly by Vota

My Summer

When I returned from Chile last Summer, I began making plans for this Summer. Where would I go? Back to Chile? To another nation hungry for Jesus? By January, it was obvious to me that I would be staying home this Summer. I struggled and wrestled with the fact that I have such a heart for missions and reaching the nations for the Kingdom yet God was closing every door for me to leave the country.

How could this be?

After months of arguing with God I gave in. I rested in the promise of a bigger purpose. My prayer went from, "LORD, what nation is it this year? What people will you fuse my heart with?" to, "Father, break my heart for my nation. For my co-workers, the children and families at Ridgeway, those I come into contact with in my day to day routine."

It didn't become easier, but harder. I struggled through sending those that I dearly love overseas. They were going to the very nations I longed for.

My struggle brought me to my knees and my face on a daily basis. (sometimes more) But in a good way. I have grown immensely this Summer. I have discovered what it is like to be romanced by Jesus. I have poured my heart and soul into some wonderful 1st-5th graders. I got to see families enjoy each other. They were not all in their separate areas of the church, but worshipping and playing and just plain enjoying each others company inside the church.

My love and desire for the nations has not subsided. Quite the contrary, it's grown even greater. As I seek direction in the next steps of my journey, I must stay with the mindset to fall in line with the direction the Lord has for my life.

We sang this song in church this morning. It was the inspiration for the title of this blog. It puts into words where I long to stay.

If you would like to see a video that someone has put together, here it is.

So Much More Than an Easter Egg Hunt

It has been almost a year since my last post... I feel like today and a story I have is a good reason to begin again.

Today was our big Easter egg hunt at Ridgeway. We had done all the planning we had time for, we had a plan for the rain and everything during the services planned for double the kids we normally have. The kids had been given hundreds of invitations to hand out to those they wanted to invite. The services went great and there were many visitors and even members that we hadn't seen in a while. All three hunts went wonderfully and prizes were given to some great visitors and those that invited them. Tons of hotdogs were served and parents enjoyed fellowship as their children played on the playground.

I was watching children play and everyone get fed when a parent told me that her daughter was pretty upset when none of her friends made it. While talking with the girl, she told me that most of her friends at school don't go to church and she really wanted them to come so they could hear about the how Jesus loves them. We talked about how much she would like them to come on Easter Sunday, but didn't seem to sure that it would happen. At that point, she looked at her wrist and saw a bracelet that the kids had made in InnerMission. (they were walked through salvation using the colors on their bracelets for them to understand and so that they can share with others as well) It was like a lightbulb went on as she realized that she didn't have to get them inside the church walls for someone else to tell them about Jesus! SHE COULD DO IT! She had everything she needed right there on her wrist!

What a confirmation of what we are doing... We are not only sharing Jesus but we are equipping our children to share with their friends.

Hope in a world of hopelessness

I have been reminded time and time again of this hopeless world that we live in. People just walking around with no hope! When I watch the news, read the paper, or even get on the internet I see people searching for something bigger than themselves. People looking for the next big thing. The thing that will overcome this "lame" life that we all lead. Impatiently waiting for the next thing to do whether it be drugs, jumping off the tallest building, or going to the next church function. Yeah I said it... Even "Christians" fall into the constant want for something more. We come to church, sit in a seat, and say, "Okay, I'M here. Teach ME. Entertain ME. Feed ME. Give ME your attention because I am hurting." Most of us can't even stay tuned in for a complete sermon. We are on to what we want for lunch, or what the afternoon entails before the main point of the message is revealed. 

WHY?!

"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. You see just at the right time, when we were still powerless, christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man some might possibly dare to die. Bur God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:1-8

God sent his only son to die a horrible death for us! Christ took on the sins of the world that hadn't even been committed yet and nailed them to a cross. Our days should not revolve around ME but HIM! My heart is bursting to tell of all the things that he has done. I want the world to know this man called Jesus Christ. I long for them to have the relationship with him that I do. It's not about me! It's not about going to church twice a week and maybe getting something from the sermon. My relationship is reflected in a moment by moment lifestyle. My worship doesn't only take place within the walls of the church. It is in my work, in my play, in my words, and in my actions. I can't go back to just going through the motions. My heart is that my life change will be a testament to the words that I have just spoken. Things are different and I'm glad. 

Who Am I Really?

I was asked this past week to sum myself up in a few words to people that have never met me before. I gave the typical answer of what I thought I wanted others to know about me. However, on my way home that afternoon it hit me what I am in two simple words. I am a PEOPLE PLEASER! I have a terrible time saying no. I am constantly doing things for others but find it very difficult to ask for help in return. I do what others ask me to do. I go where others say I should go. I worry about what other people want and need. I rarely spend time doing things for myself and when I do I am constantly thinking of how I can help someone else. Quite frankly it's EXHAUSTING!! I have come to the breaking point. My body is tired, my mind needs a break, my heart needs to recover from one, and my soul continues to yearn for the one thing that I know will never be disappointed in me. 

In Sunday School this past week, Nick asked the kids to write down something that they hated. He was getting at things like chores but my mind could not get away from the fact that I hate to fail. I hate to fail others mostly. I will do whatever it takes so that someone else is not disappointed in me. Especially those that are close to my heart. I put so much pressure on myself that I don't even enjoy the things that I once did because I hate to see them end up any less than perfect. I know that I am not perfect and I hope that I do not come off that way, but on the other hand that is exactly what I strive for. Have I become a hypocrite? How can I tell students that it's okay to mess up when I am trying for nothing less than perfection? 

Doing things for others is something that I love to do and it is how I show that I truly care for them. But taking it to the extreme has cause much pain and exhaustion. I have become so stressed out trying to make sure that others are taken care of that I have lost myself in the mix. 

My first step has to be saying no to something/someone...Who/what will it be? If it is you or something that you ask me to do then I am sorry in advance. Please understand that I cannot continue living like this. But don't let it keep you from asking.

Continuing to LOVE OUT LOUD

What a day today was! This week our church had the opportunity to help a couple who have not been unable to take care of their yard. They are in their seventies and she is very ill. Families and students were ready to get to work and help out these people that they didn't know nor knew anything about. So we got right to work even though we had no dumpster. It showed up later and was filled very quickly. I am still amazed at all we ended up getting done today. It's not complete but WOW it looks so much better than it did. 

While Danielle and I were on our way to the house this morning it hit me whose house it was. I knew them from the hospital. I remember when they would come in he would look so worn out and she just looked like she didn't feel well at all. I was overjoyed that I got to help these people that I know are dealing with things beyond their control. I really didn't expect to see her at all during the day, since I had never seen this woman stand up, but to my surprise she stepped outside while we were cleaning up and her husband was gone. The look on her face was so sweet. All she could say was how excited she was that we were helping. She was so appreciative that we were there. 

Today was bittersweet for me. I see patients come in and out of the hospital all the time. Some share what is going on in their lives and others just answer my questions and want nothing more than to get away from my desk, go to their appointment or test and go home. I am merely a stop on their visit. Nonetheless there is rarely a patient that I help that does not impact me in some way. There are not many days that I leave work without a burden for some patient. Today I was able to take the next step and show these people the love of Jesus outside of the walls of the hospital.