2AM + ME = confusion

Why am I still awake? I need to be sleeping. A busy day awaits me with children to love on, organizing to do, and homework to finish. However, I realize that if I was not awake I could not be texting two amazing people whom I love dearly.

So I shall blog...

Lately I have been thinking about what it would be like to have conversations that cut straight to the heart of things. It's one thing to have these conversations with those that you are close to but I'm talking about having no more surface conversations. I long to tell others what Jesus is doing in my life yet something stops me. Something brings me back to the how are you's and the what do you have planned for the weekends. I can't bring myself to get past it.

I love having conversation with a purpose. Yet I find myself closing down. Maybe it's not even that I close down but rather that I become the one asking all of the questions. I don't like talking about myself. (which is why blogging is difficult for me) I enjoy learning about others. I can get beyond the surface when talking about them but when it comes to me FORGET IT! I let no one in. How can this change? I want to be better but I find myself shutting down. I am in a new living environment with people that I have yet to let totally in.

This is my goal: To allow questions to be asked of me. To be transparent. (at least translucent) To not let fear of being hurt take over. To ask questions. (not too many) To love them. To allow them to love me. To live life with them.

The song that got me thinking about this...

Honestly can I tell you where I'm at
Honestly can I pull the curtain back
Will you run if you see how weak I am

If you don't see the real me you won't see what mercy's done
If you don't see my weakness you won't see what love has won
If you don't wee the distance from the darkness to the sun
You won't see
Honestly

Honestly I'm growing sick and tired
Honestly it hurts too much to hide
Brokeness that's killing us inside

Let the light escape
From these holes inside my soul
When I start to break
THen grace begins to flow
Let the light escape
From this wounded place inside my soul
Honestly

If you don't see the real me
You won't see what grace has done
If you don't see my weakness
You won't see what love has won
If you don't see the distance from the darkness to the sun
You won't see

Honestly by Vota