2AM + ME = confusion

Why am I still awake? I need to be sleeping. A busy day awaits me with children to love on, organizing to do, and homework to finish. However, I realize that if I was not awake I could not be texting two amazing people whom I love dearly.

So I shall blog...

Lately I have been thinking about what it would be like to have conversations that cut straight to the heart of things. It's one thing to have these conversations with those that you are close to but I'm talking about having no more surface conversations. I long to tell others what Jesus is doing in my life yet something stops me. Something brings me back to the how are you's and the what do you have planned for the weekends. I can't bring myself to get past it.

I love having conversation with a purpose. Yet I find myself closing down. Maybe it's not even that I close down but rather that I become the one asking all of the questions. I don't like talking about myself. (which is why blogging is difficult for me) I enjoy learning about others. I can get beyond the surface when talking about them but when it comes to me FORGET IT! I let no one in. How can this change? I want to be better but I find myself shutting down. I am in a new living environment with people that I have yet to let totally in.

This is my goal: To allow questions to be asked of me. To be transparent. (at least translucent) To not let fear of being hurt take over. To ask questions. (not too many) To love them. To allow them to love me. To live life with them.

The song that got me thinking about this...

Honestly can I tell you where I'm at
Honestly can I pull the curtain back
Will you run if you see how weak I am

If you don't see the real me you won't see what mercy's done
If you don't see my weakness you won't see what love has won
If you don't wee the distance from the darkness to the sun
You won't see
Honestly

Honestly I'm growing sick and tired
Honestly it hurts too much to hide
Brokeness that's killing us inside

Let the light escape
From these holes inside my soul
When I start to break
THen grace begins to flow
Let the light escape
From this wounded place inside my soul
Honestly

If you don't see the real me
You won't see what grace has done
If you don't see my weakness
You won't see what love has won
If you don't see the distance from the darkness to the sun
You won't see

Honestly by Vota

My Summer

When I returned from Chile last Summer, I began making plans for this Summer. Where would I go? Back to Chile? To another nation hungry for Jesus? By January, it was obvious to me that I would be staying home this Summer. I struggled and wrestled with the fact that I have such a heart for missions and reaching the nations for the Kingdom yet God was closing every door for me to leave the country.

How could this be?

After months of arguing with God I gave in. I rested in the promise of a bigger purpose. My prayer went from, "LORD, what nation is it this year? What people will you fuse my heart with?" to, "Father, break my heart for my nation. For my co-workers, the children and families at Ridgeway, those I come into contact with in my day to day routine."

It didn't become easier, but harder. I struggled through sending those that I dearly love overseas. They were going to the very nations I longed for.

My struggle brought me to my knees and my face on a daily basis. (sometimes more) But in a good way. I have grown immensely this Summer. I have discovered what it is like to be romanced by Jesus. I have poured my heart and soul into some wonderful 1st-5th graders. I got to see families enjoy each other. They were not all in their separate areas of the church, but worshipping and playing and just plain enjoying each others company inside the church.

My love and desire for the nations has not subsided. Quite the contrary, it's grown even greater. As I seek direction in the next steps of my journey, I must stay with the mindset to fall in line with the direction the Lord has for my life.

We sang this song in church this morning. It was the inspiration for the title of this blog. It puts into words where I long to stay.

If you would like to see a video that someone has put together, here it is.